self-doubt.

The sneaky beast, aka self-doubt, is hiding in the corner, silently scoffing, rolling its yellow eyes as I once again lift up my head and heart and stand tall in somewhat contrived confidence.

I can feel him lurking and taunting me, daring me to believe I have anything of value to say.

I’m distracted by his presence but in equal measure, determined to whoop his butt with my perseverance.

I believe in this practice of yoga and that relentless belief keeps me going. I close my eyes and remember what it is like at the end of class when students are resting so peacefully in savasana. The feeling of indescribable stillness that takes over a room full of sweaty, wrung out, relaxed humans who have given it their all and then laid it down to rest and restore.

That memory reminds me that I am standing in front of those same humans and they are waiting for me to begin. They are waiting for me to silence the sneaky beast and get going in guiding them through breath and movement, through expansion and contraction, through building strength and suppleness simultaneously.

Inhale, “I can do this.” Exhale, "yes I can."

Maybe you have had a similar experience? Maybe your sneaky beast has purple eyes instead of yellow but also comes out in surprising moments? I like to believe we are all not that different. It comforts me to imagine that when I am wrestling my self-doubt to the ground, exhausted by its tenacity and arrogance - that I am not alone.

My doubt, is not limited to teaching yoga and it has lived inside of me for as long as I can remember. In many ways it is my keeper. It keeps me working towards growth but at the same time, often holds me back. It likes to keep me hostage but then tauntingly reminds me to pursue freedom. After all of these years of wrestling with it, I have come to understand that the doubt actually lives in me like a cute little parasite. It cannot be exterminated, outrun or even outsmarted. It is part of who I am - part of my make up.

While the story at the beginning is about my self-doubt that emerges around teaching a yoga class, it also shows up around many perspectives related to my value as a human. Here are a few my doubt’s headliners: being a good parent, spouse, teacher, business owner and so on. And it rears its ugly head on the most unsuspecting occasions and can flatten me in 3.2 seconds.

Some of its favorite taglines are - “who do you think you are?”, “you are not as smart as you think you are missy” and the best one, “why are you even trying?”

So far this is a highly inspiring piece of reading isn’t it?! But wait.

When I realized I was not going to slay this little beast, I decided I would instead befriend it. If my self-doubt lives within me, then my work is to change my relationship with it, to learn to be at ease with it, let it serve my highest and best self rather than allowing it to deplete all of my energy trying to eradicate it.

When I feel it rising up, playing a negative message in my mind, I do my best to acknowledge where it is coming from. And then I do my best to change my thought. I do my best to shift my attention to my strengths and remember a moment (like above) that is an affirmation of my gifts and talents. I feel my feet on the ground, my head up and my heart open. I remember the good feedback I have received or the unexpected kind words from a student. I breathe deeply and know that I am not defined by doubt and I am actually so much bigger than it. At times the doubt may seem to cling on tight but it doesn’t have to weigh me down. I can choose to focus, fixate, concentrate on what is good and right. I can choose to give my attention to doing meaningful work and showing up strong and present. I can choose to surround myself with people who believe in me.

The sneaky beast of self-doubt can often back us into a lonely corner where we feel consumed by all that we haven’t done right or all that we may feel we did wrong. I have found that the loneliness empowers the sneaky beast to grow even stronger in size and strength. I think that is what moved me to write about this topic. I believe when we share with one another our deepest struggles, we remember that we are actually not alone. In this case my sneaky beast of self-doubt has a whole pack of friends out there who are stealing our moments of goodness with their dread. So to all of the sneaky beasts of doubt out there - yours and mine, I say "not today.”

Go sit down and be quiet!

Tammy Lyons
Owner, Inner Bliss Yoga Studios